


To Love or To Leave

by FromTheInsideOut



Series: YOI Angst Week 2020 [2]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Basically Yuuri being Yuuri, Canon Compliant, Day 4- Separation, Drinking away your problems solve nothing, Gen, Light Angst, Not Beta Read, Pre-Canon, We Die Like Men, feelings are hard, mentions of drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28002732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FromTheInsideOut/pseuds/FromTheInsideOut
Summary: After facing the humiliation that was the GPF Yuuri returns home to sort out the fallout. With sponsors dropping and his confidence at an all time low he considers his future in competitive skating.At this rate he will never be able to catch up to Victor. The gap between them growing with each new season.Walking away means choosing between loving the ice or leaving it for good.Day 4- Separation
Series: YOI Angst Week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2046173
Kudos: 10
Collections: YOI Angst Week 2020





	To Love or To Leave

**Author's Note:**

> While I tried to rack my brain for something more angsty I kept coming back to this idea of how much Yuuri would struggle leaving the ice. I think we all have this moment when we contemplate the next steps in our lives and it is scary, especially at the idea of walking away from the only thing you have ever done and felt moderately accomplished in your abilities.

The flight from Detroit to Japan was uneventful at best. Between his mask and scarf he was hardly recognizable. And to be honest it was the only thing that he wanted. Nothing makes you want to disappear like having your greatest failure broadcasted across the globe. Though that shouldn’t be the worst part of it all. The worst part is that he was there too. Why wouldn’t Victor Nikiforov not be there? Five time medalist, Olympic champion, number one skater throughout the world. Of course he would be there. He collected gold medals like it was his job. Technically it is his job. A job that he is very good at.

Yuuri felt his cheeks heating up again. He just experienced a career ending competition and all he can think about is how good Victor is. How pathetic.

Leaving Tokyo on the train was a little more hectic than the flight but that was to be expected. People slowly filtered out of the car the further away they got away from the city. Even with the chill settling over the island there was still so much life to be had making itself known. Birds and small animals speckling the rolling countryside. Turning his attention back to his fellow travelers he watched them busy themselves with work. Books propped on laps, fingers typing furiously on phone screens, and a few commuters sporting computers.  _ Maybe it would be easier to just have a normal day job. _ Yuuri thought.  _ Clock in at 8, sit for nine hours, clock out 5, and go home. It would be much easier than this. _

Exhaling quietly he sifted through his bag, fishing out his headphones. Popping them into his ears he leaned his head back closing his eyes. Familiar notes wash over his soul. The quiet melodic notes of Victor’s free skate song fill his mind. He can see him now. Victor gliding across the ice wistfully, beaconing his beloved to stay near him. Calling out to his lover. His skates scratching quietly across the ice as he launches into jumps. Victor always made it look so effortless, his movements so controlled and sure. 

Yuuri wanted to hate him. He wanted to hate how hard he worked and how much that work paid off time and time again with Victor standing at the top. He wanted to hate how easily he spoke to the media and how everyone loved him. At one point he tried. But the hate always morphed into admiration. For everything Yuuri was not Victor was. Victor would forever be the person he was chasing after to catch up to. Even now, sitting on a moderately empty train car, listening to Victor’s free skate song he couldn’t help but envy the Russian.

Soon enough the train pulled into Hasetsu where he was greeted by an overly excited Minako, sporting a large banner with his name printed in bright letters. “So embarrassing,” Yuuri mumbled. 

“Yuuri’s back! You made it back kid!” She jumped and spun with excitement as Yuuri passed through the gates. 

“Hey Minako.” He wanted to be more excited but to be honest he was mortified. When he had finally decided to go back home he knew he would have to face those he loved knowing that they had seen his performance. Sinking his chin further into his scarf he sighed and Minako bounded towards him, trapping him in a tight hug. “It’s good to be back.” 

“We’ve missed you so much!” She chirped, “we all did.” Using her banner she gestured to all the Yuuri posters plastered on every flat surface throughout the entire station. “All of Japan was cheering you on, especially Hasetsu!” 

Mortified. He was officially mortified. The posters were another confirmation of the broad scope of people who had seen him fail.

“Buck up kid, there are so many people that are excited to see you.” Her hand grabbed hold of his wrist, dragging him out of the train station and towards her van.

“I could have just walked.” He tried to protest only falling on deaf ears. Climbing into the van his only hope was that the short ride to the inn would be blessed with silence. And hoping for silence was apparently asking for too much. 

“Nobody blames you for what happened.” Her eyes were focused on the road but he knew she wasn’t going to let the topic drop- she was equally as stubborn as he was in that regard.

“It was nobody’s fault but my own. I could have come back sooner or tried harder to bring him with me.” They felt like empty words, words that he had repeated over and over. Pretty hard to change the past when the past was incapable of changing.

“That’s not what I meant.” Her tone was firm but kind.

“I still should have been able to go out and do better than what I did.” His eyes drifted out the window, watching the ocean lap against the shore.

Sighing, Minako tapped a finger against the steering wheel. “You didn’t have to skate. People would have understood.”

“I’m ‘Japan’s Ace’ after all. Of course I had to skate. Not going would have meant letting down all of Japan. Turns out skating or not I ended up doing that anyways.” Yuuri tsked.

“Just how bad is the fallout?” Her eyes snuck a glance at Yuuri facing his gaze towards the window.

“Out of the five sponsors I lost three for next season.” Yuuri wanted to be upset about it. Without those sponsors it made his decision to move back home inevitable. There was no way he could pay for his portion of rent and Celestino’s coaching fees. And the only reason he was able to maintain the last two sponsors was because of their contractual obligations. After that he would be back down to zero, making the prospect of competing at a competitive level next season near impossible unless he was able to sign with new sponsors. 

Minako’s hand slammed against the steering wheel. “Fuck them! Don’t they understand that athletes are people and not highly trained performance monkeys?” Her voice bounced around the inclosed space, her fury evident.

“Nobody wants to sign on to support a performance monkey that can’t even perform when it counts.”

“Still,” she grumbled, “ you’ll show them just how big of a mistake for terminating their contracts. Next season you are going to show up and show off!”

He appreciated her sentiment but honestly he couldn’t even consider toying with the idea of skating next season without a fresh wave of nausea settling in his chest. With no coach, limited or no sponsors, and his own mental blocks left him with no hope. “Maybe.” It was the best answer he could give at the moment. Everything was a maybe anymore. He was about to say something else with the familiar silhouette of the onsen appeared over the dash.

“Maybe home will help you feel better about everything.”

“Maybe.”

Minako jumped out of the van and bounced up the steps with Yuuri following hesitantly behind toting his luggage. 

The onsen was just as he remembered and for a few moments there was a quiet feeling of peace that settled over him, just the calm before the storm he supposed.  _ I know Minako said they understood but what if she was wrong? What if I go in and see all their disappointed faces? _ His spiraling thoughts were promptly interrupted by Hiroko barreling towards the front door to greet him.

“Yuu-chan! Welcome home!” Her demeanor, open and excited at finally laying eyes on Yuuri. 

“Hey mom,” Yuuri released his grip on the luggage, stepping forward to be cradled by his mother.  _ I’ve missed this so much. _ He could feel a sob rising up from his chest. Sucking in a breath he pushed it back down, he’d rather not ruin the moment between them. He felt her hands brushing the ends of his travel tousled hair sticking out of the bottom of the beanie. 

“We’re so glad you’re here, home.” 

The warmth of her voice sent him back to his younger years, the times where he would come home after a difficult practice feeling more than a little disappointed in his progress- or lack thereof. “It’s good to be back.” And he meant it.

“Come, come! I made your favorite.” Her hands ran down his arms giving his hands a gentle squeeze. “And I made enough for you to join us Minako.” 

“Yes!” Minako hissed quietly. “Nothing pairs better with sake than your mother’s cooking.” Toeing off her shoes she padded towards the common room. “And don’t think that I am blind or dumb enough to not notice what you have done to yourself.” 

Yuuri grimaced as he slouched off his coat. Sure, how could anyone not notice? After the disaster of the last competition he effectively ate whenever and whatever he wanted since his career literally and figuratively burned to the ground.  _ Don’t need to worry about what you eat if you don’t compete. _ Following Minako, he found himself recalling every late night outing he made in search of comfort food. While Phitchit was less enthused about Yuuri’s antics he said nothing. The overeating and oversleeping had each taken their tolls and the consequences equated to all the extra weight and his dwindling bank account. The worst part about the whole ordeal is that it didn’t make him feel any better about his current situation. 

Ignoring Minako’s obvious glare, Yuuri sat comfortably at the low table, just another thing he didn’t realize that he missed from spending extended time in America.  _ I shouldn’t have waited so long to come back. Maybe if I came back sooner I could have- _ His thoughts halted as the familiar looking bowl of food was placed in front of him. 

“Eat up Yuu-chan!” Hiroko’s voice rang out as she walked back into the kitchen.

Picking up his chopsticks, he hesitantly eyed Minako before digging into the bowl. He groaned in delight as the flavors washed over his taste buds.  _ Now this is comfort food. _ Bite after bite he savored the dish that he had missed so much over the past five years. It was like the katsudon covered over every blemish that appeared over Yuuri’s soul since their last encounter. But even as the joy was felt from eating katsudon the shame and guilt weedled their way into his mind. 

_ Only winners eat katsudon and I have done the opposite of that. _

_ Do you think you deserve this after all the mistakes you made? _

_ Maybe if you would have worked harder you could actually deserve to eat a winner’s meal. _

_ The only people who earn the right to be on the ice are those who want to win. _

Pushing his bowl out of his reach he leaned against the table watching whatever was playing on the tv while other patrons continued their meals. His appetite disappearing the more his thoughts weighed down his spirit, each one adding another layer of doubt. 

“I can hear you thinking from over here.” Mikako refilled the small sake dish, slipping it over towards Yuuri.

Turning his attention from the tv to Minako he scrunched his nose at it. “You know how I get when I drink, like father like son.”

“A risk I am willing to take.” Her finger pushing it a little bit closer to Yuuri.

His resolve crumbled quickly. “Your funeral.” Tipping back the small saucer he felt the bitter liquid tingle down his throat. He watched her refill the small dish again and again as dusk faded to dark. Yuuri was only vaguely aware of the common room’s lack of patrons before Minako’s voice cut through his buzzed thoughts.

“Feel better?”

He thought for a moment, turning the question over in his head.  _ Do I? _ “Less thoughts.”

“It just happens that you are suffering from less thoughts rather than less clothes.” She snickered, pouring herself another drink.

“Does it always feel like this?” He could get used to the empty head feeling. Could he even recall the last time his mind felt this settled? Probably the last time he snuck into the rink late to trace circles into the ice. 

“So what are you going to do kid?” Minako tipped her head back, finishing off the rest of her drink before pouring them another.

“I don’t know.” Even with his anxiety and embarrassment placated for the time being he still didn’t have an answer, at least not a rational one. Looking at the clear liquid he sighed. “How does it feel to constantly drink?”

“Not nearly as good as you expect.”

“So long term becoming a professional drunk would not do me any good huh?”

“It doesn’t always feel like this.” She cringed internally. “Drinking doesn’t solve problems, it just pushes them off for a time. And even the conclusions we come to are not always the right ones.” 

Time passes between them. The only sounds are the radio chirping lightly in the background and Minako pouring herself another drink. “So what are your options?”

Yuuri sighs, “I quit while I’m behind and start a respectable job away from skating. Becoming increasingly more miserable and a regular at your bar till you die and hand me the keys.”

“Speaking from personal experience, that sounds exactly what you shouldn’t do.”

Running a hand through his hair he grumbled quietly, “you asked for options and that is an option I have considered. I could just drink to forget. Numb myself enough that reality becomes tolerable.”

“Have you considered alternatives? I mean you’ve always looked up to Victor. What would he be doing right now?” Minako didn’t want to bring out the only trump card but option one was shit and they both knew it.

“Victor wouldn’t be sulking nor would he ever be in this position. All he ever does is succeed. Victor Nikiforov never fails.”

“He’s not perfect you know?” His stubbornness was really starting to grate against her nerves.

“If you looked up figure skating in the dictionary you could find a picture of his beautiful face as an example. He is the top, the goal, the marker that everyone strives towards. I know he’s not perfect but his skating is  _ near _ perfect.”    
  
Minko snickered heartily at his proclamation, “beautiful face, huh?”

Yuuri’s cheeks flushed an even brighter shade of red thanks to the liquor and now his embarrassment. “Quiet.” 

“While I will agree that he has quite a beautiful face, you’re deflecting my question.” Poking the arm thrown across the table.

Sitting up he glared back at her. “Fine, option two I go back to the ice and try again knowing that everyone knows how much of a failure I am and attempt to redeem myself.” It wasn’t supposed to come out as defeated but really option two was even more scary than option one. 

“Option two sounds better.”

“Yeah, but option two is nearly impossible. I will be so far behind everyone else and with little to no support from sponsors and my inability to pay coaching fees...” His forehead slammed down against the table, knocking his glasses askew. “I would have to work twice as hard and even working twice as hard. I will never make it to the podium. Even bronze is out of my reach at this point. I will slowly fade into Japan’s skating history as the dime-a dozen skaters who tried and failed. Tarnishing Japan’s reputation even more.” 

“The things we want most almost always come with more struggles.”

“How can I ever go back to the ice? How can I ever expect Victor to see me as a competitor when I did what I did at the GPF?”

“I don’t think that is something that I can answer.”

“I don’t know if I can either and I am the one who asked.” Yuuri swirls his drink once more before finishing it off.

“Wasn’t your goal to skate on the same ice as Victor? Don’t you want to do that again?” Minako picked up his discarded saucer, sliding it over to the empty side of the table.

“I did and I don’t. Everyone saw how the last time went.”

“Sulking never really suited you before and it doesn’t suit you now.” The tough love route was one of the last options she had. 

“I’m starting to think that competitive skating doesn’t really suit me anymore.” His voice grew quiet. It was the first time that he actually voiced what he thought to another person.

“Now I know you have officially drank too much. You aren’t seriously considering leaving the ice for good? Yuuri? Tell me you’re joking.” She couldn’t help the tightness of her voice. 

“I mean it was going to happen eventually. Skater’s bodies get more and more damaged the longer we stay on the ice. I considered the thought that maybe my body has peeked in it’s abilities and is finally starting the downhill spiral.”

“But you love the ice.”

“I did….well I do, still, I think. I love the idea of being on the ice and pushing my body but even at my best my emotions still get the better of me and I choke.”

“No you choked because your dog died. And Vicchan wasn’t just any dog he was your dog. Anybody else in your position would have dropped out of the competition.”

Yuuri bit his lip trying to stifle back a sob, sucking in a shallow breath he continued. “The point is that even if I want to skate competitively I’ve lost my chance. No coach would offer me their services and no sponsors want to support a lost cause.” He was finished with this conversation, no matter what he said it just wasn’t getting through to her. Bracing himself against the table he got his feet underneath himself and stumbled towards the family wing of the inn. “Good night Minako, that’s for the ride. 

“The only person who thinks that you’re a lost cause is you.” Silences hung between them as she watched Yuuri process his thoughts. Glancing at the clock she winced at the late hour but she couldn’t bring herself to just let him leave yet. The conversation feeling unfinished. “Yuuri?”

His body froze at the softness in Minako’s voice. Blinking once, then twice he finally turned to look back at the table.

“Can you do me a favor?”

Nodding his head he waited for her to continue.

“Once you sober up, I want you to go to the rink. I want you to skate to something that moves you, something that makes you proud of the skater you’ve become. Use your body to fall back in love with skating.”

“Sure.”

“And Yuuri?”

“Yeah?”

“Ask yourself if you are truly ready to walk away from Victor and the ice, for good.”

“Okay.”

“Good night Yuuri.”

Yuuri padded his way quietly back to his old room. Sitting on his bed he sighed as his eyes followed the walls plastered with Victor’s smiling face.  _ She’s wrong you know. I was never close enough to you to walk away. How could I have ever thought that we would ever be competitors? I’ve spent most of my life chasing after you and you just keep climbing higher and higher. I was a fool to think you would one day see me as an equal. _ Flopping back his eyes traced invisible lines along the ceiling.  _ She acts like I would never be able to skate again. It would just be a hobby instead of a job, something to pull out on a rainy day. I could walk away. _ His thoughts lingered a while longer before being pulled to sleep, the exhaustion of the day finally catching up with him.

* * *

The next day he rose later than usual, continuing to restlessly sulk around the onsen until he couldn’t handle it anymore. Packing up his skate bag, he headed out the door to Ice Castle. 

Unseen by Yuuri his mother watched as he jogged down the street. “We believe in you Yuu-chan.” Her voice but a whisper.

Minako’s words cycle on repeat.

_ Skate to something that moves you. _

_ Fall back in love with skating. _

_ Love the ice. _

_ The only person who thinks that you’re a lost cause is you. _

“Um, I wanted you to see this, so I’ve been practicing it since the competitions ended. Please watch.” Yuuri skated out to the center of the ice, taking one final breath before bowing his head.  _ While I could probably walk away from Victor’s shadow I could never leave the ice, not for good at least. I want to love the ice again and I want to try even if I suffer more because of it. I’m not ready to step off the ice for good. _


End file.
